Twenty years ago, I came to the US as a graduate student. I
vividly recall feeling overwhelmed by a barrage of psycho-jargon – and no, I
was not studying Psychology.
Having grown up in the post-Communist Eastern
bloc, most of the concepts espoused in those ‘training programmes’ were foreign
to me. Not only that, but, as a scientist by training, I was inherently
sceptical – surely all those young students and their graduate teaching
assistants (myself included) were being over-psychologised?
This was, of course, a young person’s ignorance. Life has
since taught me that, if anything, we don’t engage in sufficient self-analysis
– examining our workplace behaviours, the patterns of dysfunction in our
personal lives, and, maybe most importantly – examining what we do right, when,
and how, and celebrating and cultivating our inner soundness.
These thoughts were mostly random – but there is nothing
like the experience of parenthood to bring our own beliefs under a lens, and
then bring it all in focus through the way we raise your children. I have spent
a large portion of the past ten years in the company of children – working with
some of them, or just hanging out.
Trying to understand a child’s psyche, with my rudimentary,
non-specialist techniques, but definitely with a full heart, helped me get rid
of my scepticism about psychologising the young. It was a complicated journey
for me, and also a private one. Suffice to say I now feel that, if we learn to
spot the root of a problem at the right time and address it sensitively, from a
place of compassion and firmness, we can go a long way in decreasing the chance
of full-blown behavioural malfunction later on.
Why is this important? Because it is tomorrow’s generation
that will pick up the pieces of the largely fragmented, empathy-challenged
society their parents are now cultivating – one merely needs to look at the
current political climate to know that is true – and make it into a world that
fits them better. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I’ve got a clear sense their
generation will be more focused on both inner growth and global consciousness.
As personal and professional lives will be merging even more in future, they’ll
want to bring some of this growth into their working lives. Which is a good
thing, as it may help heal some of the sociopathy we now see in the corporate
world, and not only.
Last year many of us parents have taken our families to
watch ‘Inside Out’, a quirky little movie that gives children a roadmap, and
some simple navigating tools, into the world of emotions – identifying,
understanding, and managing them. It teaches them that anger and sadness are
not only valid, but necessary, and that putting on a happy face at all times is
fake and can backfire. A lesson many adults I know would do well to learn –
yes, even in the office …
Last night we stayed way past my son’s bedtime to watch
‘Ender’s Game’ – an older film, and a controversial one. Somewhat
stereotypically, Ender is the middle ground between his excessively empathetic
sister and his borderline psychopathic elder brother. He is gifted with
incredible emotional and social intelligence and knows when to forge alliances
and friendships, when to identify and label injustice, when to act on his
feelings and when to strategise a response, when to hold on to his views and
when to go with the flow. And – here’s the ‘risky’ bit – when to punish.
Yes, alongside with empathy – which, if defective, lies at
the core of most personality disorders – I too feel we need to teach our
children to develop appropriate responses that are in line with their values
yet calibrated to external situations. Ever the peacemakers, they should still
be able to call out unfairness and act to correct it. Awareness of emotions
helps inform a course of action, and empathy helps form a rounded view of a
situation – but it is ultimately children’s innate sense of right and wrong
that should be cultivated, and their courage to act on their beliefs.
Most of us are going to retire in our late 60s – if we’re
lucky. That means that, in 15–20 years from now, we’ll share the workplace with
our children. As comedies would have it (what’s up with me and pop culture
today?), they may even be our bosses.
If we’ve done the right thing as parents now, this may
actually be a positive development for our generation. I for one am looking
forward to it.
